So here is the next section, again completely unedited an un-finalised.
I have spent some time going back over the first post and changed a few things to help it either flow better or just make more sense. In this second post I have used dialogue to add some characterization, but I’m still very unsure (of myself) if I want to keep it this way, especially between Bruce and Dennis the two main character’s as they come across as one and the same people, which ultimately it is as Dennis is like an alter ego, the can do man.
The piece really slows down in this next section and I’m still very unsure if this is best, but I felt as though I need to add feeling and emotion to the City, or how it is perceived by the characters anyway. At first I was going to have just the one night at the backpackers, they get drunk and in the morning they wake up in a van. As you can see I have extended this so I could add further details. Maybe it’s a repeat of what has already been said, but I’m not totally sure. Your comments would be much appreciated.
Enjoy
I have spent some time going back over the first post and changed a few things to help it either flow better or just make more sense. In this second post I have used dialogue to add some characterization, but I’m still very unsure (of myself) if I want to keep it this way, especially between Bruce and Dennis the two main character’s as they come across as one and the same people, which ultimately it is as Dennis is like an alter ego, the can do man.
The piece really slows down in this next section and I’m still very unsure if this is best, but I felt as though I need to add feeling and emotion to the City, or how it is perceived by the characters anyway. At first I was going to have just the one night at the backpackers, they get drunk and in the morning they wake up in a van. As you can see I have extended this so I could add further details. Maybe it’s a repeat of what has already been said, but I’m not totally sure. Your comments would be much appreciated.
Enjoy
........................................................................................................................................................................
3
Given that we hadn’t really had much money in the last few months, we decided to head into town and catch a train out to the bigger city, maybe there we could find a lift north up the coast where the weather promised to be much warmer. Ignoring the fee of a ticket we boarded the long slender carriage. In the days leading up to the move we’d decided to just chase the sun , what ever that may bring.
Three quarter’s into the City the train inspector beckoned us to produce our tickets and when we told him we didn’t have one he demanded we produce some identification. Neither Dennis nor I had identification on us, we had gotten used to concealing it so that in these exact instances we could provide a fake name. The inspector wrote us each a $50 ticket and ordered that we get off at the next station where we waited another fifteen minutes, throwing pebbles at a sign across the tracks.
The next ride on the final leg into the City was uneventful other than a baby who cried for the duration of the trip, the mother it seemed was totally ignorant to the infants plead. I watched her for some time, she seemed as if to be distracted by something else that was far more troublesome than that of a fiercely crying baby, a long heavy look lay across her face and a packed bag sat beside her feet. She fidgeted in her seat and when we went to leave I heard the lady cry out desperately.
“Stop crying damn it, just stop crying”, but the baby, too young to understand his mothers torment kept up his own plea. Dennis and I looked at each other thoughtfully, I could tell what he was thinking and asked if we should help, but instead we walked in the opposite direction to where we were going.
The big towering buildings of the City loomed high above the street, sporadic youths hustled in packs, amused by the music playing from there MP3 players, they walked past silently. Asian tourists snapped joyfully at iconic sights while wheelers greased the empty side streets, thinking, planning, dealing and enviably losing. We made our way through the busy street’s to the east end, on Boughfort Street we found an entrance to a sizable back packer’s, a perfect place to start looking for a lift we decided and checked in for the night.
First of all we decided to get a warm shower, it had been some time sense either Dennis or I had, had the luxury of warm water. At first the public showers had not been a problem in the hot months of summer, but since autumn had kicked in, we had become quiet reluctant. I was the first to finish and went out and found a comfortable seat in the commune lounging area. Some people were sat motionless around a big TV, playing on the screen was some show about fast cars with fancy leather seats. Not really interested in the show, my eye’s wondered around the room.
All sorts of characters with different agenda’s lumbered around, there was those that were passing through. They usually sat in two’s or three’s and made jokes which made no sense to anyone other than themselves and the day after tomorrow they would be gone.
Then there were those which had stayed here long enough to know better, they seem to enjoy the scene and would sit around in the evenings and chill out amongst themselves and talk about work and drink quality beer while the rest of the guesses just settled for the cheapest and most effective.
Finally the third type, these were the one’s who, if asked, may not have even known where they were or where they were going.
They confided in sayings such as, ‘we’re on the road’, or ‘I’m half way between here and there’, and ‘Yeah, maybe I’ll see what happens tomorrow’. I guess if I was going to stereotype Dennis and myself we would have to fit somewhere within this group, two lost soul’s, as we were frequently reminded by those who looked at our sad state and say.
‘You’re just two lost soul’s’.
Dennis came out and sat beside me on the empty brown suede lounge, he was clean shaven and his beach blonde hair jagged where he made a rudimentary attempt to trim it back.
‘So, you want to go out for a beer tonight?’
‘Yeah I guess it would be rude not to’, I replied. ‘Better check the notice board before we get too rowdy though’.
‘I had a quick look just before, didn’t really see anything’
‘Cool, well we’ll check it again on the way out’ I insisted, ‘Guess we might as well have a beer here first’.
Dennis got up to get us some drinks while I stayed seated. Surveying the dimly lit room I noticed two blonde girls sitting and chatting amongst themselves. They both had straight platinum blonde hair which sort of just stiffly sat across there faces, they wore make up and spoke softly to each other. I watched them for a while hoping that one might look up and I’d give her a smile, but they didn’t.
Dennis was standing by the bar chatting to another guy who was tall, slender with long dark hair and next to them were another couple, who looked at each other merrily and held each others hands as they spoke of niceties which had little significance to anyone else. In the far corner I could hear a group of American’s who were playing some sort of drinking game which involved a deck of cards.
Given that we hadn’t really had much money in the last few months, we decided to head into town and catch a train out to the bigger city, maybe there we could find a lift north up the coast where the weather promised to be much warmer. Ignoring the fee of a ticket we boarded the long slender carriage. In the days leading up to the move we’d decided to just chase the sun , what ever that may bring.
Three quarter’s into the City the train inspector beckoned us to produce our tickets and when we told him we didn’t have one he demanded we produce some identification. Neither Dennis nor I had identification on us, we had gotten used to concealing it so that in these exact instances we could provide a fake name. The inspector wrote us each a $50 ticket and ordered that we get off at the next station where we waited another fifteen minutes, throwing pebbles at a sign across the tracks.
The next ride on the final leg into the City was uneventful other than a baby who cried for the duration of the trip, the mother it seemed was totally ignorant to the infants plead. I watched her for some time, she seemed as if to be distracted by something else that was far more troublesome than that of a fiercely crying baby, a long heavy look lay across her face and a packed bag sat beside her feet. She fidgeted in her seat and when we went to leave I heard the lady cry out desperately.
“Stop crying damn it, just stop crying”, but the baby, too young to understand his mothers torment kept up his own plea. Dennis and I looked at each other thoughtfully, I could tell what he was thinking and asked if we should help, but instead we walked in the opposite direction to where we were going.
The big towering buildings of the City loomed high above the street, sporadic youths hustled in packs, amused by the music playing from there MP3 players, they walked past silently. Asian tourists snapped joyfully at iconic sights while wheelers greased the empty side streets, thinking, planning, dealing and enviably losing. We made our way through the busy street’s to the east end, on Boughfort Street we found an entrance to a sizable back packer’s, a perfect place to start looking for a lift we decided and checked in for the night.
First of all we decided to get a warm shower, it had been some time sense either Dennis or I had, had the luxury of warm water. At first the public showers had not been a problem in the hot months of summer, but since autumn had kicked in, we had become quiet reluctant. I was the first to finish and went out and found a comfortable seat in the commune lounging area. Some people were sat motionless around a big TV, playing on the screen was some show about fast cars with fancy leather seats. Not really interested in the show, my eye’s wondered around the room.
All sorts of characters with different agenda’s lumbered around, there was those that were passing through. They usually sat in two’s or three’s and made jokes which made no sense to anyone other than themselves and the day after tomorrow they would be gone.
Then there were those which had stayed here long enough to know better, they seem to enjoy the scene and would sit around in the evenings and chill out amongst themselves and talk about work and drink quality beer while the rest of the guesses just settled for the cheapest and most effective.
Finally the third type, these were the one’s who, if asked, may not have even known where they were or where they were going.
They confided in sayings such as, ‘we’re on the road’, or ‘I’m half way between here and there’, and ‘Yeah, maybe I’ll see what happens tomorrow’. I guess if I was going to stereotype Dennis and myself we would have to fit somewhere within this group, two lost soul’s, as we were frequently reminded by those who looked at our sad state and say.
‘You’re just two lost soul’s’.
Dennis came out and sat beside me on the empty brown suede lounge, he was clean shaven and his beach blonde hair jagged where he made a rudimentary attempt to trim it back.
‘So, you want to go out for a beer tonight?’
‘Yeah I guess it would be rude not to’, I replied. ‘Better check the notice board before we get too rowdy though’.
‘I had a quick look just before, didn’t really see anything’
‘Cool, well we’ll check it again on the way out’ I insisted, ‘Guess we might as well have a beer here first’.
Dennis got up to get us some drinks while I stayed seated. Surveying the dimly lit room I noticed two blonde girls sitting and chatting amongst themselves. They both had straight platinum blonde hair which sort of just stiffly sat across there faces, they wore make up and spoke softly to each other. I watched them for a while hoping that one might look up and I’d give her a smile, but they didn’t.
Dennis was standing by the bar chatting to another guy who was tall, slender with long dark hair and next to them were another couple, who looked at each other merrily and held each others hands as they spoke of niceties which had little significance to anyone else. In the far corner I could hear a group of American’s who were playing some sort of drinking game which involved a deck of cards.
When Dennis came back, he was holding out two cans of Emu Bitter. Cringing, I took one of the cans.
‘Three bucks’, he said before I had even asked.
‘Who was that’, I asked, intrigued.
‘Matt, an American dude from Arizona’, He replied. ‘Been over here awhile just thumbing it to and fro, reckons he’s been pretty lucky until he made it to the City. He also said he knew of two German girls who had a van. They were hoping to take off day after next’
‘Did he say where they were going?’
‘Yeah he said they were going to head north, didn’t really say much more then that though’.
I looked up and I noticed Matt was now sitting with the group playing cards so I suggested maybe we should join them for a drink.
‘Bruce’, I held out my hand and introduced myself to the crowd of three girls and two guys. Matt introduced himself first holding out his hand, shaking mine, while the others just gave a shy smile and polite wave. Matt gestured I sit beside him and he moved over leaving a gap on the bench between himself and a pretty New York girl named Jen. Dennis sat at the other side of the table across from me.
The game they were playing was Ring of Death, or that’s the name I know it as. The rules are simple. Every card has a different rule, say for example number night is bust a rhyme. The person who has lifted the card from the circle starts the rhyme. Going clockwise the group keeps the rhyme until someone stumbles, to which they are required to scull there beverage of choice. The idea is that you get drunk, like real drunk, stupid drunk and then you fall down.
Tonight was no exception for the group of tourists, they were a good bunch and we chatted until late into the night. It turned out that they didn’t really know each other but had somehow found themselves hanging out together.
Jen was cute and I talked to her for sometime about her travels, the usual questions for a situation like this. She chatted happily about working in London compared to Sydney, the beach parties in Cambodia and the rafting in the Mekong and home life in a City like Brooklyn, New York.
‘Its bullshit’, she started. ‘It’s like one hundred dollars for a shitty day tour. I’m really sick of all this shit.’ She started when I asked her about Australia.
‘Yeah it’s a rip off alright’, I replied. ‘That’s why Dennis and I are doing what were doing, we don’t need money to see some rock every bodies seein’.
‘Yeah, hey maybe I should come along with you guys’. She declared brazenly.
‘Capre Diam’.
‘Carpe Diam’, she replied smiling back at me.
We chatted some more with the group and asked if any of them were heading north. Matt repeated the stuff he had already told Dennis earlier that night and we asked if he’d be able to get hold of the girls for us. He said they were staying here and would let us know, so we decided to catch up with him in the morning to see what we could arrange.
4
That morning we woke up pretty early, it was drizzling lightly outside. We packed the bags after getting in another shower and then stowed them away down stairs in the locker area of the backpackers. We checked out and went for a walk around the City.
It was a dull morning with gray clouds over head and the constant patter of water on our faces as we stepped from one awning to the next. At one point I went to cross the street and accidentally stepped out in front of a speeding car. It screeched to a halt, and I looked up, through the mirror I could see a fit guy wearing a tight white singlet and dark round shades. Next to him sat a girl, made up all pretty who looked out the side window uninterested at the kerb. Stepping out the way he sped past shouting something from his window.
We ended up at a small groceries were we brought a loaf of wholegrain bread and a litre of milk. Outside we sat on some steps and I watched the water drop to the path in large droplets which formed on the roof above. The water collected itself picking up small amounts of dirt and ran over the rough graduals in the concrete and then down over the kerb and into the gutter where a small stream moved with great vigour, off and down the street to the nearest drain.
The street was busy with car’s driving past. People in black suit’s and expressionless faces, driving to work I’d assume, didn’t notice us sitting on the kerb. They were focussed and consumed by something much larger than two guys sitting on a step eating dry bread and slugging on a box of milk.
‘That was us’, Dennis mumbled to himself.
‘Three bucks’, he said before I had even asked.
‘Who was that’, I asked, intrigued.
‘Matt, an American dude from Arizona’, He replied. ‘Been over here awhile just thumbing it to and fro, reckons he’s been pretty lucky until he made it to the City. He also said he knew of two German girls who had a van. They were hoping to take off day after next’
‘Did he say where they were going?’
‘Yeah he said they were going to head north, didn’t really say much more then that though’.
I looked up and I noticed Matt was now sitting with the group playing cards so I suggested maybe we should join them for a drink.
‘Bruce’, I held out my hand and introduced myself to the crowd of three girls and two guys. Matt introduced himself first holding out his hand, shaking mine, while the others just gave a shy smile and polite wave. Matt gestured I sit beside him and he moved over leaving a gap on the bench between himself and a pretty New York girl named Jen. Dennis sat at the other side of the table across from me.
The game they were playing was Ring of Death, or that’s the name I know it as. The rules are simple. Every card has a different rule, say for example number night is bust a rhyme. The person who has lifted the card from the circle starts the rhyme. Going clockwise the group keeps the rhyme until someone stumbles, to which they are required to scull there beverage of choice. The idea is that you get drunk, like real drunk, stupid drunk and then you fall down.
Tonight was no exception for the group of tourists, they were a good bunch and we chatted until late into the night. It turned out that they didn’t really know each other but had somehow found themselves hanging out together.
Jen was cute and I talked to her for sometime about her travels, the usual questions for a situation like this. She chatted happily about working in London compared to Sydney, the beach parties in Cambodia and the rafting in the Mekong and home life in a City like Brooklyn, New York.
‘Its bullshit’, she started. ‘It’s like one hundred dollars for a shitty day tour. I’m really sick of all this shit.’ She started when I asked her about Australia.
‘Yeah it’s a rip off alright’, I replied. ‘That’s why Dennis and I are doing what were doing, we don’t need money to see some rock every bodies seein’.
‘Yeah, hey maybe I should come along with you guys’. She declared brazenly.
‘Capre Diam’.
‘Carpe Diam’, she replied smiling back at me.
We chatted some more with the group and asked if any of them were heading north. Matt repeated the stuff he had already told Dennis earlier that night and we asked if he’d be able to get hold of the girls for us. He said they were staying here and would let us know, so we decided to catch up with him in the morning to see what we could arrange.
4
That morning we woke up pretty early, it was drizzling lightly outside. We packed the bags after getting in another shower and then stowed them away down stairs in the locker area of the backpackers. We checked out and went for a walk around the City.
It was a dull morning with gray clouds over head and the constant patter of water on our faces as we stepped from one awning to the next. At one point I went to cross the street and accidentally stepped out in front of a speeding car. It screeched to a halt, and I looked up, through the mirror I could see a fit guy wearing a tight white singlet and dark round shades. Next to him sat a girl, made up all pretty who looked out the side window uninterested at the kerb. Stepping out the way he sped past shouting something from his window.
We ended up at a small groceries were we brought a loaf of wholegrain bread and a litre of milk. Outside we sat on some steps and I watched the water drop to the path in large droplets which formed on the roof above. The water collected itself picking up small amounts of dirt and ran over the rough graduals in the concrete and then down over the kerb and into the gutter where a small stream moved with great vigour, off and down the street to the nearest drain.
The street was busy with car’s driving past. People in black suit’s and expressionless faces, driving to work I’d assume, didn’t notice us sitting on the kerb. They were focussed and consumed by something much larger than two guys sitting on a step eating dry bread and slugging on a box of milk.
‘That was us’, Dennis mumbled to himself.
6 comments:
I like it. I'm glad you slowed it down a little. I like reading more detail and really soaking up the scenery so to speak.
i think this will help you pace yourself so you can go the distance with it.
:)
I found that when I used to write, I would take the story off at a speed of knots and end up with a short story or a dead end!
Can you really name a character Matt?
Umm I guess I did. I'll probably change most of the names later anyway.
Yeah Kezza, it's got a long way to go!
Okay. Good stuff Juice but now for some some nuts and bolts. (Do y'mind?)
Cut your sentences down, there are too many extra words. "There was those that were passing through..." can lose two or three words with a reshuffle and be so much more direct and less clunky.
Also, it may be personal, but I really hate adjectivals, the words that end in 'ly' after 'he said'. You can portray a character's motive and emotion without adding 'joyfully' or 'sadly'.
These two things can clean up a text. Much as I think Hemingway was a bastard, he's got it all going on there. Keep it simple, clean and beautiful.
I really like the scene on the bus with the mother and baby, especially her packed bag and distress and the looks between the two main characters, deciding to leave well alone. V. Clever.
Hope I haven't been too brutal ... but I wouldn't bother if I didn't love yer work! Sarah
I ended up deciding on Dustin to be the lead male American role. At first I couldn’t think of a suitable name so matt was easy and I didn’t want to get stuck thinking about minor details when i was writing.
Sarah of course I don’t mind hearing what you have to say. At the end of the day it’s these little differences which make something good, great. (Or something okay, good). I really appreciate your honesty and as soon as I read what you had to say I could go back and see things which could be improved. It’s all a learning experience and every comment helps. You must remember that I never did English at school (girls did my assignments for me).
I see what you mean about adjectival terms, it’s pretty lazy writing when you could use body language to express emotion or just smart words within the spoken sentence. I’ll be more mindful of this as I edit.
I’m glad you enjoyed the distressed mother scene. I think it was subtle enough to paint a picture.
I have little critique to give, mostly because I feel like you've got a great start for an equally great first draft. I agree that slowing it down was a good idea, as is where you left it off this time. Makes me feel like a good plot point or mini-arc in the story is imminent.
Other than that, I'd only suggest that you be as descriptive as possible without getting too wordy. Maybe because I'm a visual person. I imagine that will come into play a lot when these two lost souls make it out into the rugged countryside.
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